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Berlusconi meets a child in the street. He pats the boy?s head and says, ?Hi, cute kid. What?s your name?? ?Marco,? says the boy. ?And how old are you, Marco?? Marco answers, ?Nine.? Il Cavaliere says, ?Shame on you! By your age, I was at least ten!?
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In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, 'This is a big storm.'
In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches.
-Conan O'Brien
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The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I?ve seen in America."
Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."
The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there?s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese? but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren?t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
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Funny Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger:
"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention
"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" ?at the Republican convention
"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." ?describing Democratic lawmakers in California
"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." ?on the dangers posed by gay marriage
"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." ?announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"
"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento." ?on "The Tonight Show"
"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people."
"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic job!"
"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic views
"Don't worry about that." -on the environment
"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."
"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this ? to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to a woman ? she's a machine! We could get away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group." -describing a scene in "Terminator 3"
"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him." ?speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group
"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." ?in an interview with Esquire
"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."
"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel like I'm coming all day."
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."
"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during that period." -on the Clinton impeachment
"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."
"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a stop and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out
"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." ?on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war criminal
"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." ?in a 1990 interview with U.S. News
"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." ?in the 1977 film "Pumping Iron"
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Bush (Senior) was in his front yard mowing his grass when little W.came out of
the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. Little W opened it, looked in,
then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
As Bush (senior) was getting ready to edge the lawn, looking his son, little
W. came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his son actions George (senior) asked him, "Is something wrong
son?"
To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps
saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
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George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, "You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink."
Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks back and sees Al Gore walking on the water. He appeals to the angel saying, "He's sinned as much as I have, what gives?"
The angel says, "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders"
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In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, 'This is a big storm.'
In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches.
-Conan O'Brien
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I?ve seen in America."
Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."
The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there?s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese? but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren?t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger:
"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention
"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" ?at the Republican convention
"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." ?describing Democratic lawmakers in California
"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." ?on the dangers posed by gay marriage
"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." ?announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"
"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento." ?on "The Tonight Show"
"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people."
"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic job!"
"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic views
"Don't worry about that." -on the environment
"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."
"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this ? to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to a woman ? she's a machine! We could get away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group." -describing a scene in "Terminator 3"
"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him." ?speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group
"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." ?in an interview with Esquire
"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."
"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel like I'm coming all day."
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."
"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during that period." -on the Clinton impeachment
"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."
"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a stop and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out
"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." ?on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war criminal
"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." ?in a 1990 interview with U.S. News
"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." ?in the 1977 film "Pumping Iron"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bush (Senior) was in his front yard mowing his grass when little W.came out of
the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. Little W opened it, looked in,
then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
As Bush (senior) was getting ready to edge the lawn, looking his son, little
W. came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his son actions George (senior) asked him, "Is something wrong
son?"
To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps
saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, "You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink."
Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks back and sees Al Gore walking on the water. He appeals to the angel saying, "He's sinned as much as I have, what gives?"
The angel says, "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders"
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