What you actually mean .....

Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

I know how to deal with stressful situations:I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centered:I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor:I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'm willing to relocate:As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'm extremely professional:I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements:You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I have formal training:I'm a college dropout.

I interact well with co-workers:I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:Wait! Don't throw me away!

C&P