Small talk

New husband

New husband


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Dem' smart city folk

Dem' smart city folk


A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."
I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead.
The city feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"

Pep talk

Pep talk

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople' s. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic. ' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a s**t?'"

To the Doctor

To the Doctor


Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

To see a Baseball game

To see a Baseball game


Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved base-ball; he loved the Yankees. He worked and saved and at long last bought a ticket, took a plane to New York.
When he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out. Not a seat to be had.
Jose pleaded, touched the heart of the ticket office and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers behind the flag pole.
Jose saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying so high he almost didn't need a plane.
"Well, Jose," they asked when he returned, "how was it?"
Jose raved. The Stadium, the game, the Yankees? And most of all the fans, so friendly, so concerned about him that before the game. They had all stood up and turned to him and sang, "Jose? Can you see?"

For the Sick

For the Sick

A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"
"No." her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," replied the little girl.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick.'"

Immigrants

Immigrants


Two immigrants meet on the street.. "How's by you?" asks one.
"Could be worse. And you?"
"Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a fortune. In the past five months, I've spent over $10,000 on doctors and medicine."
"Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for five years."

Mr. Softy

Mr. Softy


Two men were grumbling over their problems. The first man said, "My wife left me for a man who drives an ice cream truck."
His friend began to ask, "You mean..."
"Yeah," the first guy replied. "She left me for Mr. Softy."

Most important words

Most important words


At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.
The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?"
The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband.
He said, "Yeah, she's probably right!"

How long

How long


A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!"

Camp for better understanding

Camp for better understanding

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better seeing relations between them were very sour.
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in-law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law? "
To which she replied, "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

Fishing

Fishing


Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.
They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."
30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."
One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty."

Rabies

Rabies


My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

Super computer

Super computer


The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

The clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

Visit to Doctor's office

Visit to Doctor's office


Shaheen walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room.
While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here Shaheen ?"
Shaheen replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
Shaheen replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
" A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat ?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."