Small talk

Near Death

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room,
talking about life... In-between,
we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent
on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state
I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me
alive, I'd much rather die'.


Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of
admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV,
the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone,
the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and
threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!

How is a paradigm formed?

A group of scientists placed 5 monkeys in a cage and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on the top.
Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the monkeys with cold water.
After a while, every time a monkey went up the ladder, the others beat up the one on the ladder.
After some time, no monkey dare to go up the ladder regardless of the temptation.

Scientists then decided to substitute one of the monkeys.

The 1st thing this new monkey did was to go up the ladder. Immediately the other monkeys beat him up.
After several beatings, the new member learned not to climb the ladder even though never knew why.

A 2nd monkey was substituted and the same occurred.

The 1st monkey participated in the beating for the 2nd monkey.

A 3rd monkey was changed and the same was repeated (beating).

The 4th was substituted and the beating was repeated and finally the 5th monkey was replaced.

What was left was a group of 5 monkeys that even though never received a cold shower, continued to beat up any monkey who attempted to climb the ladder.
If it was possible to ask the monkeys why they would beat up all those who attempted to go up the ladder..... I bet you the answer would be....
"I don't know - but that's how things are done around here"

Does it sound familiar?


"Only two things are infinite: The universe and human stupidity.

And I am not so sure about the former." Albert Einstein

Psychiatry jokes

Psychiatry jokes

Psychiatrist: 1) Mind-sweeper. 2) Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.




Patient: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive. Psychiatrist: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... etc.




Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.




Psychiatrist: What is your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!




Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he's a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.




Wife: Doctor, my husband thinks he's a horse. Psychiatrist: He is just probably a little stressed out and needs some rest. Wife: But he kicks chairs and eats grass and do not even sleep in the bed.Psychiatrist : Well, in that case, it looks like he may need a lot of help, but it may cost quite a lot of money for prolonged treatment. Wife: Oh you don't have to worry about the money part. Last Sunday, my husband won the horserace!




Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards! Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later.




Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge... Psychiatrist: What's come over you? Patient: Two trucks, five cars...




Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin. Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish.




Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.




Patient: Doctor, I can't stop stealing things. Psychiatrist: Take these pills. They should help you. Patient: But what if they don't? Psychiatrist: Pick up a Rolls for me.




Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain. Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!




Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball. Psychiatrist: Get to the end of the queue (cue).




Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible. Psychiatrist: Who said that?




Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I've got hundreds of 'em.




"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a psychiatrist, "and Medicare pays for both of them!"



A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows a patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?" The patient replies, "Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular room." The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?" Patient answers, "Two people are having sex in the square room." The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, "What do you see now?" Patient replies, "Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?"




Man: Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator! Psychiatrist: Don't worry, it will pass. Man: But, doctor, when she sleeps with her mouth open, that damn light bugs me!




Patient: Doctor, last night I dreamt I was a teepee. The night before, I dreamt I was a wigwam. Psychiatrist: Relax. You're too tense. (two tents)




Hypnotist: Okay, Mr. Henry, when I say wake up you will no longer be shy but full of confidence and be able to speak your mind... Wake up!Patient: Right, you! How about giving me a refund, you money-grabbing old basturd.




How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb must want to change!




Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill.




A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..." "What are you doing?" enquires thedoctor. "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks thedoctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm ****ing his wife."




A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The firstpatient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out." Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. Thepsychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm ****ing nuts and I'm never getting out of here."




Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.




A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"



A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I amJohn The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"




Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.




Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.




What is the best thing about schizophrenia? You're never alone.




What is the worst thing about schizophrenia? Paying more than once for everything.




A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity problem..... So do I."



A Man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the **** out of you..." The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is apsychiatrist , here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous... Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.." "Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured." "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house" So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar. "You *******! I thought you said you were cured!" "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."




The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."



A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24. "Nobody" comes the reply. "Good" says the man, "I must have escaped."




What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", the shrink will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."




"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac." "I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock."




A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."




Not A True Story, But What If ... A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this reply... "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"




Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."




Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3 friends, if they're okay, you're *it*.



A young woman goes to a psychiatrist. When she walks into his office, he says, "Take off your clothes and get on the couch." A little confused, she did as he asked. He took off his pants and had sex with her on the couch. When he was finished, he said, "Well, my problem is solved. Now, what's yours?"




A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back."



So the two behaviorists had just finished having sex, and the first on turns to the other, and says, "It was good for you, was it good for me?"



A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons. He talks to him. Nothing obvious. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up. Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons. "Oh goody," says the boy, "I get an old box in school and only black and brown were left."



How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital? The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

Who is the Boss?? Really funny and true!!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

U don't have to be great to do great things.. Just be an asshole to do great things.. Hope u enjoyed it..

Serious story.. Really!!

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in
Love with a guy who was a cleaner.

When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not
like it at all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes
for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two
lovers but could not find them.

At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in
a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will
allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each
othertruly."

So in this way, their love won and they returned home.
The couple went t o town to shop for the wedding dress. He was
dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the
other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and
he died
on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometimes that
she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very
next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an
old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the
guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possibl e. But her mother
ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.
Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in
fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash
the clothes which have blood stains immediately.

she washed t he stains but some remained. Next night she again had
the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady
gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something
terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the
stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.

She was very tired.

In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home,
someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old
lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and
fainted.

The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which
shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?"
The old lady replied...

"Try Surf Excel Washing powder... just a dab and it will remove all
stubborn stains!!!" .

I know how you all are feeling now... I have been through this too....................

101 Things You Wish You Knew Before Starting Medical School

Simple enough, here are 101 things you wish you knew before starting medical school.

1. If I had known what it was going to be like, I would never have done it.
2. You?ll study more than you ever have in your life.
3. Only half of your class will be in the top 50%. You have a 50% chance of being in the top half of your class. Get used to it now.
4. You don?t need to know anatomy before school starts. Or pathology. Or physiology.
5. Third year rotations will suck the life out you.
6. Several people from your class will have sex with each other. You might be one of the lucky participants.
7. You may discover early on that medicine isn?t for you.
8. You don?t have to be AOA or have impeccable board scores to match somewhere - only if you?re matching into radiology.
9. Your social life may suffer some.
10. Pelvic exams are teh suck.

11. You won?t be a medical student on the surgery service. You?ll be the retractor bitch.
12. Residents will probably ask you to retrieve some type of nourishment for them.
13. Most of your time on rotations will be wasted. Thrown away. Down the drain.
14. You?ll work with at least one attending physician who you?ll want to beat the **** out of.
15. You?ll work with at least three residents who you?ll want to beat the **** out of.
16. You?ll ask a stranger about the quality of their stools.
17. You?ll ask post-op patients if they?ve farted within the last 24 hours.
18. At some point during your stay, a stranger?s bodily fluids will most likely come into contact with your exposed skin.
19. Somebody in your class will flunk out of medical school.
20. You?ll work 14 days straight without a single day off. Probably multiple times.
21. A student in your class will have sex with an attending or resident.
22. After the first two years are over, your summer breaks will no longer exist. Enjoy them as much as you can.
23. You?ll be sleep deprived.
24. There will be times on certain rotations where you won?t be allowed to eat.
25. You will be pimped.
26. You?ll wake up one day and ask yourself is this really what you want out of life.
27. You?ll party a lot during the first two years, but then that pretty much ends at the beginning of your junior year.
28. You?ll probably change your specialty of choice at least 4 times.
29. You?ll spend a good deal of your time playing social worker.
30. You?ll learn that medical insurance reimbursement is a huge problem, particularly for primary care physicians.
31. Nurses will treat you badly, simply because you are a medical student.
32. There will be times when you?ll be ignored by your attending or resident.
33. You will develop a thick skin. If you fail to do this, you?ll cry often.
34. Public humiliation is very commonplace in medical training.
35. Surgeons are assholes. Take my word for it now.
36. OB/GYN residents are treated like ****, and that **** runs downhill. Be ready to pick it up and sleep with it.
37. It?s always the medical student?s fault.
38. Gunner is a derogatory word. It?s almost as bad as racial slurs.
39. You?ll look forward to the weekend, not so you can relax and have a good time but so you can catch up on studying for the week.
40. Your house might go uncleaned for two weeks during an intensive exam block.
41. As a medical student on rotations, you don?t matter. In fact, you get in the way and impede productivity.
42. There?s a fair chance that you will be physically struck by a nurse, resident, or attending physician. This may include slapped on the hand or kicked on the shin in order to instruct you to ?move? or ?get out of the way.?
43. Any really bad procedures will be done by you. The residents don?t want to do them, and you?re the low man on the totem pole. This includes rectal examinations and digital disimpactions.
44. You?ll be competing against the best of the best, the cream of the crop. This isn?t college where half of your classmates are idiots. Everybody inmedical school is smart.
45. Don?t think that you own the world because you just got accepted into medical school. That kind of attitude will humble you faster than anything else.
46. If you?re in it for the money, there are much better, more efficient ways to make a living. Medicine is not one of them.
47. Anatomy sucks. All of the bone names sound the same.
48. If there is anything at all that you?d rather do in life, do not go into medicine.
49. The competition doesn?t end after getting accepted to medical school. You?ll have to compete for class rank, awards, and residency. If you want to do a fellowship, you?ll have to compete for that too.
50. You?ll never look at weekends the same again.
51. VA hospitals suck. Most of them are old, but the medical records system is good.
52. Your fourth year in medical school will be like a vacation compared to the first three years. It?s a good thing too, because you?ll need one.
53. Somebody in your class will be known as the ?highlighter *****.? Most often a female, she?ll carry around a backpack full of every highlighter color known to man. She?ll actually use them, too.
54. Rumors surrounding members of your class will spread faster than they did in high school.
55. You?ll meet a lot of cool people, many new friends, and maybe your husband or wife.
56. No matter how bad your medical school experience was at times, you?ll still be able to think about the good times. Kind of like how I am doing right now.
57. Your first class get-together will be the most memorable. Cherish those times.
58. Long after medical school is over, you?ll still keep in contact with the friends you made. I do nearly every day.
59. Gunners always sit in the front row. This rule never fails. However, not everyone who sits in the front row is a gunner.
60. There will be one person in your class who?s the coolest, most laid back person you?ve ever met. This guy will sit in the back row and throw paper airplanes during class, and then blow up with 260+ Step I?s after second year. True story.
61. At the beginning of first year, everyone will talk about how cool it?s going to be to help patients. At the end of third year, everybody will talk about how cool it?s going to be to make a lot of money.
62. Students who start medical school wanting to do primary care end up in dermatology. Those students who start medical school wanting to do dermatology end up in family medicine.
63. Telling local girls at the bar that you?re a medical student doesn?t mean ****. They?ve been hearing that for years. Be more unique.
64. The money isn?t really that good in medicine. Not if you look at it in terms of hours worked.
65. Don?t wear your white coat into the gas station, or any other business that has nothing to do with you wearing a white coat. You look like an ass, and people do make fun of you.
66. Don?t round on patients that aren?t yours. If you round on another student?s patients, that will spread around your class like fire after a 10 year drought. Your team will think you?re an idiot too.
67. If you are on a rotation with other students, don?t bring in journal articles to share with the team ?on the fly? without letting the other students know. This makes you look like agunner, and nobody likes a gunner. Do it once, and you might as well bring in a new topic daily. Rest assured that your fellow students will just to show you up.
68. If you piss off your intern, he or she can make your life hell.
69. If your intern pisses you off, you can make his or her life hell.
70. Don?t try to work during medical school. Live life and enjoy the first two years.
71. Not participating in tons of ECs doesn?t hurt your chances for residency. Forget the weekend free clinic and play some Frisbee golf instead.
72. Don?t rent an apartment. If you can afford to, buy a small home instead. I saved $200 per month and had roughly $30,000 in equity by choosing to buy versus rent.
73. Your family members will ask you for medical advice, even after your first week of first year.
74. Many of your friends will go onto great jobs and fantastic lifestyles. You?ll be faced with 4 more years of debt and then at least 3 years of residency before you?ll see any real earning potential.
75. Pick a specialty based around what you like to do.
76. At least once during your 4 year stay, you?ll wonder if you should quit.
77. It?s amazing how fast time flies on your days off. It?s equally amazing at how slow the days are on a rotation you hate.
78. You?ll learn to be scared of asking for time off.
79. No matter what specialty you want to do, somebody on an unrelated rotation will hold it against you.
80. A great way to piss of attendings and residents are to tell them that you don?t plan to complete a residency.
81. Many of your rotations will require you to be the ?vitals bitch.? On surgery, you?ll be the ?retractor bitch.?
82. Sitting around in a group and talking about ethical issues involving patients is not fun.
83. If an attending or resident treats you badly, call them out on it. You can get away with far more than you think.
84. Going to class is generally a waste of time. Make your own schedule and enjoy the added free time.
85. Find new ways to study. The methods you used in college may or may not work. If something doesn?t work, adapt.
86. Hospitals smell bad.
87. Subjective evaluations are just that - subjective. They aren?t your end all, be all so don?t dwell on a poor evaluation. The person giving it was probably an asshole, anyway.
88. Some physicians will tell you it?s better than it really is. Take what you hear (both positive and negative) with a grain of salt.
89. 90% of surgeons are assholes, and 63% of statistics are made up. The former falls in the lucky 37%.
90. The best time of your entire medical school career is between the times when you first get your acceptance letter and when you start school.
91. During the summer before medical school starts, do not attempt to study or read anything remotely related to medicine. Take this time to travel and do things for you.
92. The residents and faculty in OB/GYN will be some of the most malignant personalities you?ve ever come into contact with.
93. Vaginal deliveries are messy. So are c-sections. It?s just an all-around blood fest if you like that sort of thing.
94. Despite what the faculty tell you, you don?t need all of the fancy equipment that they suggest for you to buy. All you need is a stethoscope. The other equipment they say you ?need? is standard in all clinic and hospital exam rooms. If it?s not standard, your training hospital and clinics suck.
95. If your school has a note taking service, it?s a good idea to pony up the cash for it. It saves time and gives you the option of not attending lecture.
96. Medicine is better than being a janitor, but there were times when I envied the people cleaning the hospital trash cans.
97. Avoid surgery like the plague.
98. See above and then apply it to OB/GYN as well.
99. The money is good in medicine, but it?s not all that great especially considering the amount of time that you?ll have to work.
100. One time an HIV+ patient ripped out his IV and then ?slung? his blood at the staff in the room. Go, go infectious disease.
101. Read Med School Hell now, throughout medical school, and then after you?re done. Then come back and tell me how right I am.

Diagnosis of Alcohol Consumption

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent lights across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up.


SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.


SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Embarrassing Medical Moments

Embarrassing Medical Moments

embarrass: to cause to feel self-conscious, confused, and ill at ease; disconcert; fluster (Webster's New World Dictionary, Third College Edition)



#1 No Inbreeding Jokes (Baltimore, MD):

While working as a nurse practitioner for a cardiology group, I was asked to obtain a history and physical on a patient being admitted for a cardiac catheterization. Everything was going smoothly. It felt as though there was good rapport. Butthe time had come to discuss family history. She proceeded to tell me about her husband'smedical conditions, but interrupted herself to say, "Oh! But he's not a blood relative."

With a smile I replied, "Unless you're from West Virginia."

Dead silence... All of the family members just looked at each other.

"Don't tell me," I said, "You're from West Virginia." She nodded slowly.

Still silent.



#2 Know Your Anatomy (Philadelphia, PA):

As a fourth year medical student on a psychiatry rotation, I was required to spend some time in the geriatric psch unit. One of the first patients I had to see required a rectal exam.

I entered the room, introduced myself, and performed a fairly complete history and physical exam. Then, I explained to the patient the reasons for the rectal exam and she agreed. I drew the curtain and began to do the exam. While unfastening the tape of the woman's adult diaper, someone entered thz room and said, "Housekeeping! I'm just gonna get the trash."

I kept on with the exam and readied the KY Jelly, only to find that the patient's bottom was covered with stool. Rather than take the easy way out and just test a sample of stool, I proceeded to sift through stool until I could properly perform the exam.

My technique left a lot to be desired however, because I soon heard the patient scream, "Hey! You're in the wrong hole!" Entirely embarrassed, I heme tested her stool, washed my hands and left, only to find the janitor outside of the room leaning on his cart laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, "You a'int married are ya buddy?"



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#3 Oops (Baltimore, MD):

It was towards the end of my first year of my residency, so I was a seasoned veteran at having end-of-life talks. When I went into the TB isolation room and found Mr. Williams with the covers pulled up to the bridge of his nose, I knew it was time to have a heart-to-heart talk.

I started off by re-introducing myself and then followed with affirming the social isolation associated with HIV and now TB isolation. He concurred with a sigh and continued to keep the covers over half of his face. I gently proceeded to discuss the grim realities of end-stage AIDS with him. I mentioned that the frequency and types of opportunistic infections he was facing, combined with a CD4 count of 2, warrant a discussion about his life expectancy numbered in weeks-to-months rather than months-to-years. Mr. Williams said to me, "I hear ya."

At that moment, a phlebotomist came in and said, "Mr. Jackson, I'm back to take some more blood." To my horror, as he pulled his arm out from under the covers, his arm band confirmed it. This wasn't Mr. Williams at all. I just told the wrong guy he was dying.



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#4 There's Gotta Be A Rule Against That (Philadelphia, PA):

I was a fourth year medical student doing a rotation at a Catholic hospital. It happened to be a Sunday when I was on-call. I went into a patient's room to examine her. The room was a semi-private one, with a curtain between the two beds. I drew the curtain closed asthe patient's roommate was on the commode and I think all of us felt uncomfortable.

While listening to my patient's lungs, I was interrupted by a priest who had come in to offer Communion. He saw me and said that he'd come back in a few minutes. He then proceeded to give Communion to my patient's roommate while she was sitting on the commode.



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#5 Ooooo, That Must Hurt (Silver Spring, MD):

As a pharmacist, I am often patients' source of information about their medications. When one woman came to the pharmacy to get a refill on her suppositories, she asked me if I had any suggestions she could bring to her doctor. She saidthat the suppositories were not working. "And not only don't they work, they hurt! Sometimes they even make me bleed!"

I looked at her prescription, pulled some suppositories from the shelf, and opened the box for her. She then showed me that the corners of the hard foil wrapper were sharp. Of course, I cringed when I realized that she was not removing the hard foil covers before inserting them.



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#6 The Doctor Told Me To Do It (Baltimore, MD):

I was a resident in my second year of training for Internal Medicine. I was on-call and spending much of my night in the ER doing admissions. Our seats for writing up the admission orders and notes were kind of situated in an area where patients and their family members would come up and ask questions.

One night in particular, I was near one of our ER physicians when he was giving out discharge instructions to someone he was sending home. He handed the paper to the patient. He was looking at the discharge instructions as the ER physician explained them.

The ER doc suddenly snatched the discharge paperwork from the patient and said, "Give me that." He went back to his desk and started writing up another set. After the patient had left, the doc gave me a copy of the discharge paperwork. It read:

Discharge diagnosis = nephrolithiasis (kidney stones)
Discharge instructions = Drink plenty of urine
Of course, I copied the paper, made it into an overhead, and showed it at morning report

Mentally Ill patient

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

nice one kumaraaaa

few more jokes....

Shirley's Makeover

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in thehospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out ofCedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Sunbathing

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."





Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, theblind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, theblind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Medical Record Blunders

Medical Record Blunders

1. The skin was moist and dry.

2. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

3. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

4. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

5. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

6. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

7. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

8. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

9. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

10. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

11. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

12. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

16. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

18. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

20. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

21. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

22. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

23. We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

24. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

25. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

26. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

27. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

28. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

29. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

30. Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

31. The patient refused an autopsy.

32. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

33. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

34. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Good story.. Read it..

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next tothe window . The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look outthe window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded thatthe man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.
"Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."