Small talk

Secret to a long life

Secret to a long life


A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said,
"You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the young lad did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Optician

Optician


Waiting for my glasses to be repaired, I heard the optician trying to convince a customer she needed a stronger prescription.
"I'm fine with what I have," she insisted.
"Okay," he challenged, "what does it say on the store window across the street?"
"'30% to 40% off all merchandise' "
"That's incredible."
"Not really," she said. "I never miss a sale."

In the court

In the court


At the height of a business corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked Zardari the witness.
"Isn't it true," bellowed the lawyer , "that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?"
Zardari stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted Fifty million Rupees to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
Zardari still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Zardari , please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled Zardari said, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, I thought he was talking to you."

No children

No children

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children, "My son is a doctor, and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer, and they have three great kids. So tell me, Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Sarah: "No children and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation? "

Three nuns

Three nuns


One day there were three nuns standing outside the gates of heaven waiting to enter.
St. Peter approached them and asked the first nun, "Do you know who the first man was on earth?"
She said, "Ummm that's tough... Adam?"
Bells rang, Angels sang, The gates opened, and she walked in.
Then St. Peter went to the second nun and asked, "Do you know who the first woman was on earth?"
She said, "Ummmm... Eve?"
Bells rang, Angels sang, The gates opened, and she walked in.
St. Peter then asked the third and last nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The third nun said, "Hmmmm, that's a hard one."
Bells rang, Angels sang, The gates opened, and she walked right in.

Infection

Infection


A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you are to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, the blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

Talmudic Wisdom

Talmudic Wisdom


A Priest meets his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him, "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."

The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.

Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."

The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi, "What is the question?"

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

"Very simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question."

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again.

I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."

The Priest complains to the Rabbi, "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there."

The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew; with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."

"All right," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."

For the last time, the Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney; one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?"

"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told you that you would not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew; you have a Non-Jew brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and the other to come out clean?"

Complicated concept

Complicated concept


One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted, demanding, "Why do we have to learn all this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded quickly, and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how exactly does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

Southern home security

Southern home security


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

P.S. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Bob gets dumped

Bob gets dumped


The guys had been worried about Bob ever since his wife dumped him and cleaned him out in the divorce.
They decided that somebody should go visit him at home to see how he was doing.
Floyd gets the job and goes to Bob's place one day after work. Bob seems to be ok but Floyd checks his place out to see if anything is out of the ordinary, just in case.
The place looks fine except for one thing, a tampon on top of Bob's TV. Floyd tries to ignore it but curiosity finally gets the best of him.
"Hey, Bob, what's with the tampon on the television?"
"Oh, that's just to remind me that the c**t took the VCR."

This very moment

This very moment


She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'you've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Goat for Dinner

Goat for Dinner


The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

Hijackers' demands

Hijackers' demands


A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.

Theory of Relativity

Theory of Relativity


An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"

Same bed

Same bed


An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."