Small talk

English Council complaints

English Council complaints


Subject: Hilarious English-Council complaints

The British too, can be hilariously-notorious when it comes to English language.
Murdering English is not anyone's Monopoly.

English Council Complaints From Around their Country,UK
These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1 My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2 He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3 It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4 I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5 I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6 And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7 I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8 My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11.I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18.The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20.I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21.Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction

Construction Site Murder

Construction Site Murder


A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Third floor on fire

Third floor on fire


Interviewer: Just imagine you are in the third floor, it caught fire. How will you escape?
Man: It's very simple i will stop my imagination.

Handful of peanuts

Handful of peanuts


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

Settling a cow case

Settling a cow case


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Lonely widow

Lonely widow


A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no armsor legs.
"Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really askingme to consider you, are you?"
"Yes, I am," the man replied.
The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs !"
The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The wedding is set for Saturday.

Inconsolable

Inconsolable


Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.

Perhaps

Perhaps


The teacher says, 'Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it.'
Claude says, 'Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework.'
The teacher says, 'Very good, Claude.'
Mary says, 'The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain.' The teacher says, 'Very good, Mary.'
She calls on Little Johnny in the back.
Johnny says, 'Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano.

Ten Rules for Being Human

Ten Rules for Being Human


1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Long and flowing

Long and flowing


Mr. Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife.
By the second day, they were already fighting.
"Your dresses are too tight," he screamed. "You look like a tramp!"
"Oh," she replied, "You want to see me in something long and flowing? If you find something long and flowing, let me know and I'll get in it."
So he pushed her into the river.

Contribution

Contribution


The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Watch the Lawyer

Watch the Lawyer


A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride.
Further down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road, and turned the truck on a direct course to hit him.
Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down that lawyer."
So at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss him.
Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the truck driver still heard a thump outside of the truck..
He looked in his mirror and saw the lawyer laying unconscious on the side of the road.
Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said "I'm so sorry Father, I really tried to miss that lawyer."
The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

Mental hospital

Mental hospital


A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

Fierce tribe

Fierce tribe

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over --
the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"

Inventing qualifications

Inventing qualifications


Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?"
"Lots of it," replies Jim.
"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"
"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."
"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"