Small talk

Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

I Don't Want To Be A Doctor Because...

If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job.

If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.

Anesthesiology would put me to sleep.

Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.

I can't stand podiatry.

I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.

I'm too old to be a gerontologist.

I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.

But a friend told me that ontology would grow on me.

I'm told pediatrics is child's play!

I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.

And they'd see right through me if I went into radiology.

And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist.

I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.

I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.

If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynecologist.

It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.

I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.

If I were a proctologist, I'd have to look at assholes all day.

Would you please do me a favor?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

3 Doctors at a Convention talking Shop.

** 3 Doctors at a Convention talking Shop.

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

Driving to Chicago!

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

"Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

I'll break the news to him myself

The doctor called Mrs. Cooney over and gave her the news. "I'm afraid your husband has a very serious illness. In fact, it might be fatal.

There are two things you have to do to save his life. First, you'll have to fix him three home-cooked meals a day for the rest of his life. And second, you'll have to make love to him every day without fail."

"I'll break the news to him myself," she said.

Stepping across the waiting room to her husband Mrs. Cooney announced, "Guess what, Cooney. You're gonna die!!"

Veal Cutlets and Pancakes

Veal Cutlets and Pancakes

"Well, doctor, have you received the results of my tests?" the patient asked.

"Yes, Mr. Smith, and I'm afraid I've got some really bad news for you. You've got VD, AIDS and Mad Cow Disease".

"Oh, no! What treatment can you give me?"

"We're going to take you into the hospital, give you your own private room, and put you on a diet of veal cutlets and pancakes."

"Veal cutlets and pancakes? Delicious! I never realized that those delicious foods could help cure me!"

"They won't, but they're easy to slide under the door."

good news and bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news, "the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The man was your doctor."

Funny DEF..!!..??..

This information came over the internet some years ago. It purports to be the answers given by students in science exams around the world. It came with the comment that "it is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades?." I was unable to trace the author, but as the work deserves wider dissemination, I present here the answers of most interest to you

General:

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

Respiration:

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire"
"Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration."

Cardiovascular:
"The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars."

Gastrointestinal:
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama."

Dentistry:
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

Orthopaedics:
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on."

Reproductive medicine:
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

Haematology:
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

Eyes and nose:
"To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose."
"For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

First aid:
"For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

thanx kumaranrar...nice jokes and u posted a ton

5 rules for student

5 rules for student

1.Never make noise in class respect the fact that others are sleeping.

2.Keep the COLLAGE clean so stay away.

3.Take some fruits for the animals in the staff room.

4.Always take books coz u dont get pillow to help u sleep well.

5.Never be early to class or else no one will notice

Well, go iron it first

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds: "This is the dress of love." And he said to her, "Well, go iron it first."

Some Medical Jokes

Heart Surgeon vs. Mechanic


Quote:In a car garage, where a famous heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his Mercedes, there was a loud mouthed mechanic who was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car. He saw the surgeon waiting and lured him into an argument.

He asked the doc after straightening up and wiping his hands on a rag, "Look at this car i'm working on. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon very calmly leaned over and whispered to the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."


Psychiatric Humor


Quote:Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other? A: You are fine. How am I?

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A: They take the psycho path.


Beware of Pharmacist


Quote:A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Hello, could you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom;

And as the boy is leaving he turns back and says: After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..."

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!


Bad news


Quotene day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."


A heart murmur


Quote:A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."


Doctor's Funeral


Quote:A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."

good joke machi

pls post more