Small talk

Heavy bread

Heavy bread

The doctor told my husband, Al, to use his right arm as much as possible. Al had broken five ribs and his shoulder blade, and had chipped his elbow, all on his right side, in a sky diving accident.
One afternoon I had just placed a sandwich, made with my fresh homemade bread, in front of Al when my brother Pete dropped by.
Al picked the sandwich up with his right hand and tried to raise it to his mouth.
He managed to get it halfway before he had to lower it. He took a deep breath and tried again, but with the same result. The third time he used his left hand to support his right and finally managed to raise it to his mouth.
"Would you like a sandwich too?" I asked Pete.
"No, thanks," he answered. "That bread looks too heavy for me."

Pirate in a bar

Pirate in a bar


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you end up with the peg leg?” he asks.
The pirate replies, “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” says the seaman. “What about your hook?”
“Well,” answers the pirate, “we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand.”
“Incredible!” says the seaman. “How’d you get the eye patch?”
“A sea gull **** in my eye,” the pirate replies.
“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the seaman asks.
“Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”

SWAT team

SWAT team


The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"

Black baby

Black baby


Ole was pacing the expectant Father's waiting room, waiting for news on Lena and the baby. The doc came out and told Ole he had a son and all was well. In fact, he could see his son through the nursery window if he liked.
Ole went to the window and asked to see the Thompson baby.
The nurse looked surprised and asked if he was sure he wanted to see the baby before seeing Lena.
"Someting wrong wit the baby?" he asked.
"No, the baby is fine."
"Vel bring him over so I can see him."
The nurse did so, and lo and behold, she held up the cutest little black baby you ever saw.
Upon seeing him, Ole got a big grin on his face and said, "Oh, dat Lena, she burns everything!"

Pig misunderstanding

Pig misunderstanding


Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Car push

Car push


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push to his car.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you u still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' came the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replies the drunk.

Teacher jokes-What they really mean

Teacher jokes-What they really mean


1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't
intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she
creates a class argument.

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a
year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat
the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

Clarence and Rufus

Clarence and Rufus


There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence Would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky
Stars that I can't swim . . . Or I'd swim this river and whup your Butt!!"
"CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . Or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny Butt!!!"
This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued.
Finally, Rufus wife has had enough. "Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been
Threatenin to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna Whup Clarence's butt!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!! "Rufus!" cried the Misses. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" "Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" she asked, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"

Handkerchief

Handkerchief


Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

Doggy style

Doggy style

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin. He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style" on their wedding night. She didn't know what he was talking about, and when he explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the "normal" position or not at all.
However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so small! They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help.
After hanging up the phone he said, "You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you to, we could have walked to the emergency room."

Celebrating an event

Celebrating an event


An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Dustman picking up wheely bins

Dustman picking up wheely bins


A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Chinese bloke answers... "Harro", says the Chineseman.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman
"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man.
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , the chinaman says, "I wheely bin having wank."

Double

Double


The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. "
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Can't Sleep

Can't Sleep


The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor: 'Oh! Don't you sleep at night?'
Civil servant: 'Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too - but I find it's very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.'

Prankster

Prankster

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to consummating the union.
Upon waking after such an active night, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked 'Can I get breakfast for two?'. Before he was able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under the bed said 'Make that five...