Small talk

Doctor with his 3 patients

Doctor with his 3 patients
One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of
serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what
happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This
morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the
balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find
anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and
he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's
how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was
the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running
late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same
time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two
Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened
to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Doctor and Nurse

A doctor say I wanna have fun.
Nurse replies not here. Many sick people are around us.
Doc: So what? People's right. People's government.
Nurse: But it is shameful.
Doc: Ha ha! Which generation are you in? It's 22nd century yaar.
Nurse: That doesn't mean we can do anything, anywhere and anytime.
Doc: What a boring day! Let me inject it.
Nurse: Are you sure you won't miss the point?
Doc: I am damn sure. How was yesterday? Won't it went smoothly?
Nurse: Ok, ok but be quick. Time is running out.
Doc: I am really enjoying doing this.
Nurse:Have you finished ? Other are staring at us.
Doc: That's it. Now I am perfect in injecting drugs.



Doc to junior Nurse: Have you finished your shift?
Jr. Nurse: Ya, about an hour ago.
Doc. So what's your plan tonight?
Jr. nurse: As usual friday, spend night with boys.
Doc: How much a boy pay?
Jr. Nurse: About Rs. 100
Doc: So cheap. I wanna join too. Will it be same price or I have to pay more.
Jr. Nurse: Since you have big earnings I want you pay more. But it is up to you. You decide by yourself after enjoying.
Doc: Ok then reserve a seat. I may be a bit late but you must sing with me in this Good friday KTV night.




Doc: Night is so cold. I must get one soon.
Nurse: What! you don't have one till now. What a pity?
Doc: I am choosing from the last year, but confused and don't know which one to choose. I like Sony but I am afraid what if my budget can't afford. Dad and mum disagree with Sam and goldie which I like too. I just can't decide.
Nurse: Ok, so you've been hiding your internal desires because of what if. Don't think too much. Get the one you love most before other took away from you.
Doc: Ya that's right . I am thinking of good proposal.
Nurse: I know Sony. I think you should choose Sony. So when are you giving me a party.
Doc: Date is not fixed yet. May be next friday. I will have salary on that day. Meet me after your shift. We leave the hospital together and get Sony AC. OK


Doc say to Nurse: I love you.
Nurse: I have daughter of your age.
Doc: Wait a minute. (He then put on spectacle and say sorry mom, I thought you are Jane. By the way where is Jane?
Nurse: She has gone for shopping. She said she has to buy some special thing before spend a valentine night with you.
Doc: Don't you told her that I can have here for free.
Nurse: ya, but she wants better quality.
Doc: Does she know my power?
Nurse: of course, she is your GF doc. I bet you too were discussing that with loud noise last week when you two spend night at my house.
Doc: Don't make me embarassed.
Nurse: Well you shouldn't feel embarassed. It is a natural phenomenon.
Doc: Thanks. After getting New spectacle (Valentine gift) from Jane there won't be any more confusion between you and Jane.




Doc: I am F**king tired after a long procedure whole night. **** I forgot to give prophylaxis too.
Nurse: Don't worry I can handle this. You have some rest. You are sweating.
Doc: I don't wanna move now. I just wanna sleep whole day.
Nurse: What! Your duty is not off yet.
Doc: Ya that's a problem.
Nurse:Well enjoy making other satisfy too.
Doc: Anyway thanks. And after finishing the dressing of wound give him some pain killer. Today I will be back only in evening shift.

Some more doctor & nurse jokes

Doc: What is the most important character that you notice in a doc?
Nurse: Moustasche.
Doc: Why so?
Nurse: I wanna have Junior prachanda.
Doc: Don't play politics. I mean it real. Are you in affair with that sweeper with moustasche?
Nurse: Why should I tell you?
Doc: I tell you. That sweeper has become sex symbol in our hospital and all the patients are chatting about him. But the fact is that he lives a sweeper life, and one day will die as sweeper. Just you can guess by observation, I sleep on a comfortable bed and he sleeps on stone outsie in the garden.
Nurse: I know that. But he knows the real pain of life. So all appreciate him not because he is handsome or rich, because he seems desparate. And desparate people can do anything like kill or be killed if the madness occurs like a mad dog. That is why all are talking about him.
Doc: Oh! I see. I was afraid that you too gonna leave me.
Nurse: What? Who was before?
Doc: My wife.




Nurse: Why don't you wanna return home?
Doc: I feel so good when I am here. As I leave here it seems that I left my world. I can do nothing there. My wife bothers me a lot. Say do your work and sleep. But what can I do there, when my future depends here.
Nurse: [With red face] really! Are you gonna divorse your wife?
Doc: What nonsense? What are you thinking?
Nurse: Doesn't that mean you love me.
Doc: Oh! Lovely lady I am talking about my cabin.
Nurse: [with brigth red face and anger] then why do you do that.
Doc: Did I do anything wrong?
Nurse: It hurts. It has been broken. [flow tears] wuuuuu, wuuu shhh
Doc: What broken?
Nurse: My heart. [keeps crying]
Doc: I am not understanding. why are you crying?
Nurse: [Stops crying] Today is valentine day and you let me have desires.
Doc: Really! Am I so tempting.
Nurse: Your words in the card is so tempting. Can we start doing now?
Doc: Stupid that is for my wife. Haven't you seen the name of my wife written in it.
Nurse: But there is my name.
Doc: Oh! My wife's name is same as yours.



Nurse: These days I have pain in hearts. My temperature rises and body chills. Have no appetie. Dreaming a lot. Deep and fast respiration. Sudden wake up in night and have breath out. Lot of genital secretions. I think I am suffering from RHD. Doc, please cure it quickly.
Doc: I have seen your ECG, Echo, it is all normal. Routine Blood test with DC shows no increament in WBC, RBC and platelets. Urinalysis report shows no bacteria, no WBC, RBC. Well I am confused what is going on with you.
Nurse: I am becoming weak doc. Please hold me. I can't sand anymore.
Doc: Ok, have you had your meal.
Nurse: I am having a feeling of electric shock, please carry me to the bed.
Don't go away. Please stay closer to me. I think I'm gonna die from it.
Doc: ****, what I gonna do now. I can get the diagnosis.
Nurse: Could you scratch there, its itching a lot.
Doc: I don't see any skin lesions.
Nurse: Yes, yes, feels really good. Go on.
Doc was thinking the diagnosis while massaging her.
Doc: [After 30 minutes] I am not sure, but may be you have some psychological disorder which is manifesting these signs and symptoms.
Nurse: Its ok now. I think it has subsided. But you are dumb ass. I gave you so many signs and symptoms but you didn't reach the diagnosis.
Doc: Can you guess the diagnosis.
Nurse: Yes of course. I have already said that. I have RHD, i.e., Romantic heart disease

Six feet cockroach

Six feet cockroach
One day a man was sitting in his living room
watching tv when all of a sudden the doorbell
rang.The man then went to the door to see who
was there.When he opened the door he found a
six foot cockroch standing in front of him.
The cockroch then proceeded to punch him in
the face and leave.

The next day the man was
sitting in his living room watching tv when
then the doorbell rang.The man answered the
door and then again found himself staring at
the same cockroch that had hit him the day
before.Then the cockroch kicked him in the
shin and poked his eye out and then proceeded
to leave.

The next day the man was AGAIN
sitting in his living room watching tv when
the doorbell rang.And yet AGAIN the same
cockroch was standing there.Then the
cockroch stabbed him several times and then
yet again proceeded to leave.This time the
man managed to drag himself to his phone and
call the police.He was taken to the nearest
hospital and was kept there over night.The next
day the doctor came in to talk to the man
about what happened the night before.
"Tell me son",the doctor asked,"what happened
last night?"
"I was attacked by a six foot cockroch!",the
man replied.
"Yeah,I heard there was a "nasty bug" going
around,"

Newton's Law that have been secret till now!

Newton's Law that have been secret till now!
Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in now.


Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your
nose will begin to itch.


Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the

least accessible corner.


Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.


Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water,
the telephone rings.


LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know

increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine

won't work, it will!


LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to

the reach.


THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive

last.


LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss

will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Hiccups !!

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new Doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!


The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up, said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Old Age !!

Old Age !!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
God grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Proctologist

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Doctor's Visit

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

Medical School

First year students at Med school were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities. The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back
the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck
his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

More Med Jokes

At the doctor's office a woman complained that she had been experiencing constant flatus.

“Fortunately,” she added, “they don't stink.”

The physician did his physical exam, then instructed the woman “take two of these pills tonight and call me in the morning.”

The woman did as he instructed. In the morning, she discovered that her flatus continued, but now the odor was horrendous.

She called him back.

“Well,” the doctor replied, “now that I've cured your sinus problem, I'll see what I can do about your flatus.




A patient wakes up following an operation to find the doctor standing at the foot of the bed. "Doctor, how did it go?

"I have good news and bad news", says the doctor.

"Give me the good news, I feel terrible and I need cheering up"

"The good news is that we managed to save your testicles"

"Thats terrific. What's the bad news?"

"They are under your pillow"

Blonde in pain!!

There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, "Where are you hurting?"
She said, "Everywhere. See?"

She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"

She touched her leg and, "OUCH!"

She touched her nose, "OUCH!"

"See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!"

The doctor laughed and said, "What you've got is a broken index finger!"

Sex Change

Sex Change

A guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to a very famous surgeon and has the whole thing done.

A few weeks after the surgery he is the centre of attraction at a party thrown by his old buddies and they are all anxious to know about the surgery.

One of them said, "It must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts."

The young lady replied "Not really, I hardly felt it."

"Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!"

"Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brains."

Brain Transplant

* Brain Transplant

In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"

What would happen if I cut off one ear?

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind."

The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."