Small talk

Hospital Cost Cutting Measures

Hospital Cost Cutting Measures

To: All Hospital Staff
From: Adminstration/Groundskeeping
Date: March 23, 2000
Re: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective April 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of thehospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated phones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts for their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see in the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an adminstrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME_LIFE "How to..." series of maintainence books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at the rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Revco's photolab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Revco's will honor competitor's coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in thehospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling program, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families,patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. The antibiotics will also be available for purchase through thehospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the HMO's formulary.

Doctor Vs. Mechanic

Doctor Vs. Mechanic

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Prescriptive compliance

Prescriptive compliance:

A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

Daddy! How Was I Born?

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Mail'!

Things that Pt should not hear

Things that Pt should not hear while operating under anaesthesia

What is the rate of kidney in market now a days??

Oh GOD! Operative steps of today's surgery are missing in this book!

Hurry up yaar! Itna late iska PM kaun Karega?!!

This is first time I m operating upon liver, may god help me.

Sister, can u stop that beating thing for a while , It is disturbing me!!

Sister:- sir! one forceps is missing!

IF this is renal artery then that may be ureter!

A glossary of Medical Terms

A glossary of Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Artery................The study of paintings.

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan...............Searching for kitty.

Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................A sheep dog.

Coma..................A punctuation mark.

D & C.................Where Washington is.

Dilate................To live long.

Enema.................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................A small lie.

Genital...............Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.

Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................Darn near killed him.

Secretion.............Hiding something.

Seizure...............Roman emperor.

Tablet................A small table.

Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor.................More than one

Urine.................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Vein..................Conceited.

Murphy's Law On Nurses...!!!

Murphy's Laws: as seen by Nurses




"If something can go wrong, it will"



Your patient is finally absorbing their NG feed after days of aspirating - but they pull the tube out just before the consultant does his ward round.


The number of staff to be found on the ward is inversely proportional to the scale of the emergency.


You've just given a patient a meal - pie, roast potatoes and a sponge pudding with custard - when the consultant says they're ready for the operation.


A very healthy patient, when admitted to a very small room, will require a vent, a cooling blanket, hemofilter, six pumps and a digital television before the end of your shift, requiring you to climb over the bed to get out of the room.


The hospital always sends admissions to your nursing home at change of shift on your weekend on - the physician's weekend off.


The lift always breaks down when the 400 pound patient needs to be transferred from one bed to another.


You tell your patient, "If you need anything at all, just push the button and I'll be there". She smiles and says she's "Fine, thank you nurse."


The next morning she complains to the physician, "No one came near me all night and I couldn't sleep, because I was in agony."


In a life threatening emergency, the speed of the doctor's response is inversely proportional to the speed of the patient's decline.


That enema you gave four hours ago produces a huge code brown just five minutes before the end of your shift.

The doctor's just about to examine a patient when you realise you've lost your pencil and find a rectal thermometer behind your ear.

The doctor with the the Handwriting from Hell is the one who makes the worst fuss when disturbed at 3am ... usually because their insulin prescription could be ... anything.

You have been working flat all day without even a coffee break, but the moment you sit down, the supervisor walks around the corner and sees you doing nothing.

You never use foul language, except when the boss is standing behind you.

When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.

Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.

A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."


It's your first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.

You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.

In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.

The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.

As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.

The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.


Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.

The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.

You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.

The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.

The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.

You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.


The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.

When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.

If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.


Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.

When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...

Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.


As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.

Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.


And the Catch-22 of Nursing:


If you're running around horribly busy, you're disorganized and must prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work.




You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...

Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.

Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.

As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.

If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.

Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...

Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)

The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...

The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.

The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.


The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semiqualified idiot.


Corollary: You hear about the perfect job the day after you accept another one.

If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

Despite an apartment littered with clothes, the dog will always sleep on the one clean uniform that you had laid out the night before.

When the nurse on the preceeding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbant pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.

Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.

When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.

Fire drills always occur on your day from hell - or at the end of a 12 hour shift when you have an important date.

The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"

Medical Riddles..!!

Medical Riddles..!!

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

Pull down their genes!


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What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

A hematologist pricks your finger.


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What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

A stethoscope.


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If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?

Tunnel vision!


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What do puppies and near-sighted gynecologists have in common?

They both have wet noses!


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What is the difference between a genetic counselor and a gynecologist?

One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.


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Do you hear about the Polish gynecologist who used both hands?

He wanted a second opinion.


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Who is a proctologist?

A brain surgeon for lawyers.

A proctologist is one who pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "****, some asshole has my pen."


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Who is a psychiatrist?

One who doesn't have any problem until other people have problems.

Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.


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What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The Taste !

Love letter by dentist

Love letter by dentist


"Hey sweetheart,darling..1st time when we met,we were standing
vertically on horizontal plane.

I still remember your premolar to premolar smile,your upper right central incisor palatally displaced,your 14 cavities resting like stars of my life.Your colgate fresh breath is stimulating my olfactory nerve till today.My love for
you is as strong as amalgam.

For you ,I would walk on orthodontic wires...carve your figure in wax block..you are the gold crown of my life.. "

Evolution of medicine..!!

Evolution of medicine..!!

I have a headache ...

2000 BC - Eat this root

1000 AD - That root is infected. say this prayer.

1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. drink this potion.

1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. swallow this pill.

1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. take this antibiotic.

2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. eat this root.

21 Things You Never Want To Hear During Surgery

21 Things You Never Want To Hear During Surgery


1. What the heck is that?!

2. Ooops!

3. We have to hurry, my flight leaves at 3.

4. Has anyone here used one of these before?

5. Wait a minute! That's not her gallbladder!

6. Now which side did we say? Left or right?

7. Boy! I haven't done this in a long, long time.

8. I'm starting to think that this whole thing is just a waste of time.

9. I hope this guy has life insurance.

10.In about 2 minutes, we might need to charge up those paddles.

11.Is this lady a full code?

12.Hi, I'm Bill, are you the new surgeon?

13.Of course this ethical!

14.I don't understand ... This didn't happen in the video

15.We're technically not supposed to smoke in here.

16.See! That's why I hate coming here to operate! Every single piece of equipment is crap. It's just not safe.

17.I see dead people.

18.I'm kind of excited, the last time I performed one of these I was a resident.

19.Welp, there's a first time for everything.

20.I had a bad feeling about this case, but that tarot card reader made me feel much better, and here I am.

21.It's alright... Go ahead... He's asleep.

Ha..Ha..Ha..

A Good One !!

A couple went to a sex therapists chamber at ABC Hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us making love, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rs.300.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Oberoi charges Rs. 25000, Taj charges Rs.20000 , Le Meridian charges Rs.15000.

We do it here for Rs.300, and I get that back from Mediclaim

The Knowledgeable Patient

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

What Doctors Say / What They're Really Thinking

WHAT DOCTORS SAY / WHAT THEY'RE REALLY THINKING

* "This should be taken care of right away."
(I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)

* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"(He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.)

* "Let's see how it develops."(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."(I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That's quite a nasty looking wound."(I think I'm going to throw up.)

* "This may smart a little."(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."(Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I'd like to run some more tests."
(I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."(My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.)

Medical truths

- The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.

- You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.

- The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.

- When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.

- If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.

- There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

- When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid ...

- Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.

- As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.

- Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

- You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...

- Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.

- Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.

- The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!