Small talk

You know you've been a nurse too long

You know you've been a nurse too long when:

* Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.
* Your idea of a good time is a code at change of shift.
* You believe in aerosol spraying of Prozac.
* You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
* You believe that chocolate is a food group.
* You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
* You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if someone should say "Boy, it sure is quiet around here!"
* You admire a stranger's veins.
* You have referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit."
* You don't think a consult with Dr. Kavorkian is inappropriate.
* You have had to leave a patient's room before breaking into uncontrollable laughter.
* When ordering labs, you have wanted to order a "feces on the brain" profile.
* You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA.
* You can calculate the "tooth to tattoo ratio" without a calculator.
* You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
* You have used your status to get out of a speeding ticket.
* You've called in sick on a full moon.
* You've got voodoo dolls labeled with doctor's names..and lots of needles stuck therein.
* You believe that every waiting room should come with a valium salt lick
* You have restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.
* You barely consider the raise your employer offers you, before moving on to another job.
* You aren't sure who your boss is.
* You know how to say bedpan in five languages.
* You keep oxygen equipment in your locker, just in case there's a code on the same day as cost containment is implemented by your employer.
* You recognize that unionization is professional.

Fifty funny things to do during an exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get addoning" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mummy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take theexam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a writtenexam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

What happens if 1 rupee = 45 dollars!

Venue : Microsoft Corporation, New York , US Some s/w
engineers are

seeing some photographs.

s/w engg 1 : What's that?

s/w engg 2 : Bob's photographs from India

s/w engg 1 : Wow. Let me see. Which is this place?

s/w engg 3 : (Sees the photo) This is Mumbai

MURPHY's LAW on WORK...!!!

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.


When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.


If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.


There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.


Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.


Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.


Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."


Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.


To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.


Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.


Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.


The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong

until the next person quits or is fired.


There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.


The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ....)

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.


You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.


People are always available for work in the past tense.


If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.


When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.


No one gets sick on Wednesdays.


When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"


The longer the title, the less important the job.


Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.


An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.


Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.


All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.


Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

47 facts about WOMEN..!!

47 Facts About Women

By Men...Ha..Ha..Ha..




Fact #1
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

Fact #2
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Fact #3
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

Fact #4
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Fact #5
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Fact #6
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Fact #7
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Fact #8
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Fact #9
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

Fact #10
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Fact #11
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Fact #12
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

Fact #13
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

Fact #14
14. Women think all beer is the same.

Fact #15
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.

Fact #16
16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Fact #17
17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

Fact #18
18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven- day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'llfeel like wearing each
day.

Fact #19
19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

Fact #20
20. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Fact #21
21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.

Fact #22
22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Fact #23
23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

Fact #24
24. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

Fact #25
25. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Fact #26
26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Fact #27
27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Fact #28
28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Fact #29
29. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Fact #30
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

Fact #31
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that.) PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.

Fact #32
32. The first naked man woman see is "Ken".

Fact #33
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast-size.

Fact #34
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left- hand turn.

Fact #35
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman- language than it does in man-language.

Fact #36
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

Fact #37
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

Fact #38
38. All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.

Fact #39
39. All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.

Fact #40
40. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

Fact #41
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.

Fact #42
42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

Fact #43
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys.
(which gets them in more trouble)

Fact #44
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking one second and lowering it themselves.

Fact #45
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Fact #46
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see womens trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?

Fact #47
47. This is the end.

25 Ways to Cope with STRESS

25 Ways to Cope with STRESS



1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.

9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10. Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13. Buy a subscription of "Sleezoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Drive to work in reverse.

16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

17. Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let them figure it out.

18. Polish your car with ear wax.

19. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

20. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

21. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

22. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

23. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

24. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

25. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper.

Old Age Humor ...Ha.Ha..

Old Age Humor



At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."

Patrick Moore.


"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

George Burns.



"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Woody Allen.



"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

Groucho Marx.



"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."

Oscar Wilde.


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."

Woody Allen.



"So my choice is 'Or Death?'."

Eddie Izzard.


"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

Groucho Marx.


"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

Johnny Carson.



"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

Emo Philips.

The Mental Health Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.

Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.

Some Heights

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip


2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards .


3. What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.


5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.


6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.


7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.



8. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.


9. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder!

10. Wt is height of time waste?
Reading this thread!!

TintumoN the GreaT

MATHS PROOF


Xam Qn:


IF 2(l+b)=P;
Prove that 4b=P.

Tintumon :
2(l+b)=P
2(ell+b)=P
2(bone+b)=P
taking ?b? comon
2b(one+1)=P
2b(2)=P
4b=P!



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DOSA

Teacher: Name the liquid which changes to solid when heated
Tintumon: Dosa


.................................................. .................................................. ..................

MANDAN

Teacher: ?Eee classil mandanmar undenkil ezhunnettu nilku?

Aarum ezhunnettilla. 10 second kazhinjappol Tintumon ezhunnettu.

Teacher: ?Oho? Ne mandanano ??

Tintumon: ?Teacher ottakku nilkunnathu kandappol sankadam thonni


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NO FREEZE LIQUID


Teacher: ?Freeze aakatha oru liquid-nte peru parayoo?

Tintumon: ?Chooduvellam?



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INTERVIEW

Malayalam pareeksha ezhuthikondirikkunna tintumon

qn: prashastha kavayathri Sugathakumariyumaayulla oru abhimukham ezhuthuka

tintumon inganne ezhuthi?..

Njan: namasthe teacher. njan teacherumaayi oru abhimukham nadathaan vanathaanu

Sugathakumari: samayamila mone..poyittu pinne varu.

Njan: shari teacher

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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SSLC


SSLC 10 vattam ezhuthi thotta Tintumon thante PEN, examination board nu ayachu koduthu.. Oppam oru kurippum:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
?Aayudham vechu keezhadangunnu!?


.................................................. .................................................. .................


KALYANAM


Tintumon: Njan ninte veetil poyirunnu,nammude kalyanam nadakkumennu thonnunnilla ?
Tintumol :Enda, Achane kando ?
Tintumon: illa, ninte aniyathiye kandu.

.................................................. .................................................. .................................................

MADIYAN


Teacher : Ettavum Shakthiyula oralude peru parayamo?
Tinttumon : ?Madiyan?
Teacher : Wat?
Tintumon : Teacharalle paranjadu madiyan mala chumakum ennu?

.................................................. .................................................. ..........

CHASE


Tintumol: Ningal boys enthina girls-ne chase cheyyunnathu. Ningalkkavare Marry cheyyan plan illenkilum.
Tintumon: Aalukal chayakadayil pokunathu chayakada vaangan aano?



.................................................. .................................................. ......................................


BEGGAR

Bus Cunductor: Why are you standing near the door, is your father a watchman?
Tintu Mon: Why are you always asking for ?Chillara?, Is your father a Beggar ??




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SLEEP


Tintumon: Im sleep with dad last night
Teacher corrects him: no..no..I slept with dad last night
.
.
Tintumon: appo njan urangikazhinjayirikkum teacher vannath alle..?


.................................................. .................................................. ...........................


MOTHER


Father to Tintumon: Why can't you not think every woman as your mother?
Tintumon: I can, but if i did so, what will people think of you?


.................................................. .................................................. .......................



THARAVATTIL PIRANNAVAN


tintumon :amme njan enganeya undayathu?
amma:mone nee vellapokkathil ozhukivannatha
tintumon:appol ammayum achanum appooppanum enganeya undayathu?
amma:njangalum vellapokkathil ozhukivannatha
tintumon:appol evide tharavattil piranna otta orennam ellalle



.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .



BHAKSHANAM


Tintumon: ?Achaa oru kaaryam parayyan undayirunnu..
Achan:?Bhakshanam kazhikkumbol mindaruthu??

(After eating)

Achan: ini para entha parayaan ullathu?
Tintumon: Achante food il oru palli undayirunnu?!!!!!!

.................................................. .................................................. ................................

LKG-TINTUMON


To be is to do(Socrates)

To do is to be(Plato)

To be or not to be(Shakespeare)

Aaha angane vittal pattuo..Scoo be do be dooo(Tintu mon, LKG)??..


.................................................. .................................................. ..........................

CHEMISTRY


Teacher : What is ?Al2 O3″ ?
Ramu : Alumina.
Teacher: Tintu, What is ?Fe2 O3″?
Tintumon : ?Filomina?



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1000 ROOPA


?1000 rupakku enth meedichalum oru sari free?

next day kadayil oru bhahalam
tintumon 1000 rupakku ?chillara? medichu sari venamennu paranju bhahalam vekkunnu?


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Tintumonte 3 Supradhana kandethalukal.


1)Prove thumbi=goat

Proof:Ponnola thumbi poovali thumbee aadu aadu nee aadadu?..


---------------------------------------------------------------



2)Education dept.inde thonnivasam
Question paper ennu paranju tharunna paperil full qns undavum?.pakshe answer paper aanennu paranju tharunnathil oru answerum undavarilla?.

--------------------------------------------------------------------


3)Moments pass,seconds pass,hours pass,days pass,years pass??.
Nammal mathram pass aavunnillallo athentha?


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DINESHAN

Teacher :What is the name of Gandhiji?s son?
Tintumon: Dineshan
Teacher :Why?????
Tintumon : Mahatma Gandhi is the father of di-neshan

nice one tintumon joker...:laugh:

Great tintumon jokes....I am a big fan of tintumon

Funny Doctor Jokes

Funny Doctor Jokes


1. 'Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade'
'Dont panic, i'm coming immediately, have you done anything yet?'
'Yeah, i shaved with the electric razor.'

2. Doctor, Doctor, Youve got to help me - i just cant stop my hands shaking!''Did you drink a lot?''Not really - most of it spilled out!'

3. Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play the viloin after the operation?
'Yes, ofcourse..''Great! I never could before!'

4. The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated, 'I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside of you.''Well if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.'

5. Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you.
Patient: well you might as well tell me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty four hours to live,Patient: 24 HOURS! WHAT COULD BE WORSE?? whats the very bad news?Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

6. A man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up, he hasnt been feeling well all day and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the test results of the examination.
'I'm afraid i have some bad news. Youre dying and you dont have much time,' the doctor says.'Oh no, that's terrible, how much time do i have?' the man asks.'10...' says the doctor.'10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?' he asks desperately.'10....9...8....7....'

7. A man walks into the doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his
nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.'Whats the matter with me?' he asks the doctor,The doctor replies 'Youre not eating properly.'

8. 'Doctor, are you sure i'm suffering from pnuemonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pnuemonia and finally dieingof typhus.''Dont worry, it wont happen with me, if i treat someone with pnuemonia he will die with pnuemonia.'

9. A guy walks into work and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss asks, 'What happened to your ears?'
He says, 'Yesterday i was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! i accidently answered the phone,'The boss asks, 'Well that explains one ear, what about to your other ear?'He says, "Well, jeez, i had to call the doctor!'


10. A pipe bursts in a doctor's house. He called the plumber. The plumber arrived, umpacked the tools, did some plumber-type things and handed the doctor the bill for $600,The doctor exclaimed 'This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a doctor!'The plumber answered quietly, 'Neither did i when i was a doctor.'

11. A fellow walks into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.He said, 'Shingles'She took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles'She took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles'So gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.He said, 'Shingles'The doctor asked, 'Where'He said, 'Outside in the truck, where do you want them?'

12. Patient to the doctor, 'Whenever i drink coffee, i have this sharp, excruciating pain.''Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking,'

13. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didnt the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now i see the spots much clearer.

14. 'Are you an organ donor?' 'No but i once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army'

15. Things you dont want to hear during a surgery :
- Oops!- Has anyone seen my watch?- That was some party last night,
i cant remember when ive been so drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!- Well this book doesnt say that, what edition is your manual?- Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy.- Comeback with that! Bad dog!- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?
- Hand me that.... uh...that uh.. thingie- Damn!, there go the lights again.
- Ya' know, there's big money in kidney's, heck the guys got two of them.- Everybody stand back!, i lost my contact lenses.- Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.- I wish i hadnt forgotten my glasses.- What do you mean he's not insured?- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?- What do you mean you want a divorce?- Let's hurry, i dont want to miss Baywatch!- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

16. A man needing a heart transplant is told be his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants thet sheep's heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him, 'How are you feeling?' the man replies, 'Not BAAAAAD!"
Doctor Jokes.

17. Three doctors are on a duck blind and a duck flies overhead. The genereal practitioner looks at it and says, 'Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, it's probably a duck,' shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, 'Hmmmm, green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound, might be a duck,' he raises his gun to shoot but the duck is well gone.A third bird flies overhead. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, bring the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, 'Go see if that was a duck,'

18. A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a check-up. 'Remember,' the doctor said, 'Dont get excited, dont get mad and forget about baseball when youre off the field.' Then he added, 'By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth.'

how can a student pass ??"

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY
has 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student:

1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days. Days left 81.

7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!

Balance = 0

"Then how can a student pass ??"

Deathbed Confessions

Deathbed Confessions

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."