Small talk

Acronyms

CIA: Computer Industry Acronyms

- CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

You know you work for the Government when...

You know you work for the Government when...

- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.

- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.

- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.

- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.

- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.

- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.

- It's dark when you drive to and from work.

- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.

You know you're old when...

You know you're old when...

- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle-aged.

- You join a health club and don't go.

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Mad scratch

Mad scratch

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
You were great," she said, but these crabs are still itching!"

You Might Be a Technician if...

You Might Be a Technician if...

- you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
- you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."
- you think your computer looks better without the cover.
- you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
- you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
- you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
- the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
- the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.
- you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
- you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
- you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
- you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

Voting

Voting
Marty took her pre-school son with her when she voted. The polling site was in an elementary school cafeteria that was decorated with paper turkeys in anticipation of Thanksgiving.
As Marty went into the voting booth her little boy asked -- you guessed it -- "Which turkey are you voting for?"

A Mother's Dictionary

A Mother's Dictionary


A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.

K - KISS: Mom's medicine.

L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.

M - MAYBE: No.

N - NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".

U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.

Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia ---
I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and

Paranoid ---
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder ---
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder ---
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Agoraphobia ---
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic ---
Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia ---
Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My
Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder ---
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Can I marry your daughter?

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage.
So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter".
"Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter."
"I'll do anything for my love" says the young man. "You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it."
A little puzzled the boy says,"OK, anything for my love"
On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?"
"Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it."
Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?"
"Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it."
Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter."
To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

Young gynecologist

Young gynecologist


An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time, and of course the gynecologist was a very young and handsome fellow. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.
The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"
"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"

Online chat

Online chat


A guy was chatting with a female (never met her directly) -.
(Background, both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's )
Hero: Hey...GM ... How's u doing today?
Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female: Yep...me too feel the same....Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.
Hero: OK(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager: Hey, I need some help from you
Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me
Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Female: Hey, am back
Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work
Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero: Yep, u rite!!
Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.
Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number; given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out
Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok?
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!! Good Morning Online chat

Irritation, aggravation and frustration

Irritation, aggravation and frustration


A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Bill, please?"
"No! There's no one called Bill here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Bill a second time.
"No, there's no one here called Bill. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation. "
"Then what's frustration? " asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Bill. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

Texan farmer travels

Texan farmer travels

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Small talk

Small talk


Service in the restaurant was extremely slow. The husband was starting to flip out, so his wife tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," she said, "our friend Rachael should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" the husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."

Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs

Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs


A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency.
He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."